


measured whispers

by docklands



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:53:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28800147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/docklands/pseuds/docklands
Summary: It's a rainy evening, like it usually is in London. Harry's expecting the soft lull of routine, like he usually is. He’s caught by surprise when his past comes knocking on his door, with quicksilver blue eyes and an unusual lack of words, but as visceral as always.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 76





	measured whispers

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Someone sent me an ask requesting "an angsty drabble" and this is what I came up with. I finished it within 40 minutes or so, but I liked it! So, there you have it. 
> 
> Happy reading!

_December 23_

_Hampstead, London_

There are many moments in life that feel overwhelmingly wide. That first bite of your favourite dish, the chorus of that particular song, that high you feel when you’re on a plane, the anxiety of your first kiss. Eventually, however, the excess subsides. You get over things – bad ones, good ones, all kinds. With time, the act of feeling becomes milder, domesticated inside your rib cage, from a roar to a whisper.

Even then, nothing could have braced Harry for the way his heart jumped a beat when he opened the door, emotions flooding him like they did when he first saw him, several years ago.

“Louis?” He didn’t mean to phrase it as a question, but the words had already left his mouth.

“Sorry,” Louis scratched his head awkwardly, second guessing his decision to stop by, “I just really need to grab my stuff today, if that’s okay.”

Harry raised his eyebrows, at a loss for words.

“I just think you should have texted first?” He opened the door wide enough to let his ex boyfriend in nonetheless. He would never, could never, say no to him.

“I’m really sorry, but I leave for Doncaster tonight,” Louis apologised again, still not moving from his spot. His threadbare hoodie was wet from the rain and he looked a little lost. His hair was longer too, just the way Harry used to like, curling up at his nape.

He looked well, though. Recovered, rested, healthy. It had been four months since they had seen each other in person, when they went out for lunch to catch up and apologise for some things – most things, maybe. After that, they didn’t text each other anymore, a type of silent agreement that it was best that way.

Louis liked Harry’s Instagram photos sometimes, taking some seconds to look at what he was wearing, who he was probably with and, because old habits die hard, if he looked happy. But that was it. It had been five years of a relationship with many ups and downs that faded to exist only in their memories and old Polaroids.

Harry urged him to come inside, quite antsy that he was standing in the rain. “It’s alright. Come on in, living room’s warm.”

With a breath caught in his throat, Louis made his way in, grimacing for the mess his wet trainers were making on Harry’s beloved cream carpet.

“Do you want to wait here? I can grab the box and be down in a minute,” Harry suggested as he closed the door behind them, deciding not to offer Louis dry clothes to preserve his own heart.

“A box?” Louis didn’t know what he was expecting, but this elusiveness still felt foreign to him.

Harry inhaled, not realising he had blurted out that he had separated all of his things. “I needed to clear some room in my closet,” he shrugged, knowing very well both him and Louis knew he was lying.

“Yeah, okay.”

In an awkward gesture, Harry told Louis to sit down and he did, glad the sofa cushion was warm by the fireplace lit before it.

Harry excused himself and went upstairs, a bit dizzy with too many thoughts and puzzled by the fact he had a man in his bed. 

Hastily, he opened his bedroom door, finding the man still asleep. He closed it quickly, chest heaving with guilt.

He wasn’t sure why it felt like he should tell Louis about it. What would he say, though? That he had started seeing someone? Could a date and two shags be considered as such? 

His cheeks went a bit pink at the embarrassment of even thinking of narrating his date to Louis. He shook his head, getting rid of the traitorous thought, and lit his cell phone flashlight to look for the box.

Quickly, he went rummaging through his closet, not quite remembering where he had put it.

“Harry?” The man in his bed mumbled, reaching out for him, but finding cold sheets instead. 

Harry turned around to face him, cursing internally at his lack of grace. “Hi, you. I’ll just be a moment,” he tried his best not to lie.

“Mmm...you better…” he complained, but went out again, like a candle.

With a hand over his rabbiting heart, Harry let out a sigh of relief. He wasn’t sure why he felt like a child being caught having ice cream before lunch, but it did make his stomach churn with nerves. He didn't want to think about how the man was rubbing his stubble all over his inner thighs just half an hour prior. Not when Louis was downstairs, impaling Harry's heart with his tired eyes.

He found the box, inside his underwear drawer of all places, and headed back downstairs.

“Hey,” he started, showing Louis the box with an awkward smile, “found it.”

Louis just casually looked at him over his shoulder, lips a little purple from the cold weather and an unpleasant crease on his brows. “Why, was it hidden?”

“A bit,” Harry flushed immediately, sinking his long fingers into the cardboard box. “But it’s all here.”

At that, Louis stood up and walked towards him. “I’ll take your word for it.”

He reached both hands out, retrieving the box from Harry’s clammy palms, surgically careful not to brush on his fingers. “Appreciate it.”

“No worries,” Harry tried to subtly dry his hands on his pyjama bottoms, worried that Louis might have seen how badly he was sweating.

Louis diverted his eyes from the motion, knowing Harry wouldn’t want to be caught, “I really have to get going. Car’s on and petrol isn’t cheap these days,” he pointed his thumb at the door with a light chuckle.

“Yeah, of course.” Harry remembered he had legs and went for the door, opening it without thinking twice, so he wouldn’t have time to say something he shouldn’t.

“See you around, Hazza.”

“Happy birthday,” Harry said, realising it would be the first time he wouldn’t bake him a cake. “And Merry Christmas, to you and everyone back home,” he added as an afterthought.

“Thanks, Harry,” Louis lip twitched in a hint of a smile. “Happy holidays.”

Louis closed the door and left. No good night kiss, no hip squeeze, no crinkly eyes with a glint of mischief. Just a hooded figure blending in with the dark of the night.

A flicker of hope fluttered inside Harry’s chest and he went to the window to watch him leave. A stubborn piece of his heart wanted Louis to turn and wave, a private gesture he used to direct at him when they hadn’t moved in together yet and he needed to get to his own home.

He didn’t turn. Instead, he got in his old Chevy, quickly changed gears and left. In a matter of seconds, he was just another dot on the horizon.

Harry knew he would never love like that again. He was doomed to looking for other spectrums of love forever. No more roars, but measured whispers – in his mother’s apple pie, in Joni Mitchell telling the story of a paved paradise, in flying to places far, far away from Doncaster and, eventually, in kissing someone else’s mouth everyday, for the rest of time.

It would be a mild life. But he could get used to it. And, if not, he would die with the certainty he had had his share of perfection in this lifetime.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed it, don't forget to leave me kudos (and, if you're extra nice, a comment)! You can reblog the fic's post [here](https://bit.ly/2LYKC8E) and talk to me [here](https://hershelsue.tumblr.com/ask). I take prompts there as well. All my love! ♡


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